Angry Anus

Black Conrad

Fall 2009

2.

Summer was about when I discovered porn for the first time, quite accidentally. I found a new channel on the satellite dish my parents had, and I quickly discovered there were other things that could be shoved up anuses than sticks and twigs.

I called Kevin up breathlessly on the phone.

“Kevin, you still have that Angry Anus game, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “But I haven’t played it with anyone since that time we played at Christmastime. It’s broken, remember.”

“You didn’t do anything with it?”

“Nope. I didn’t want to get the parents pissed off by telling them it was broken,” he said. “I’ve brought it out from time to time and played with it myself just to keep them happy. It still doesn’t do anything. I even tried to stick my sister’s fuzzy gerbil doll up it, and you know how big that thing is. Still nothing.”

I couldn’t help but have a grin across my face.

“This is great,” I nearly blurted out. Instead I said, “That’s cool. I was hoping that I could borrow it for awhile, if you didn’t mind.”

“Borrow it?” asked Kevin.

“Yeah, I just was feeling like giving it another go,” I said. “There’s got to be a way to lose at the game. Nobody can play and be a winner all the time.”

Kevin was silent on his end of the phone for what seemed like an infinitely long period of time. Then he said, “OK. I’ve got it in its box. You can come over any time you like and pick it up. It’s not like I’m going to need it for anything. I ain’t playing it.”

My heart raced at the prospect, and I hung up and immediately went over to Kevin’s place to pick it up. As I came home with the box in my hands, I could barely contain my excitement. What a perfect way to experiment, I thought. Nobody would ever need to know, either.

When I got home, I entered a completely empty house. My parents didn’t happen to be at home yet, as they were out looking at a new lawnmower at the hardware store. I had my bedroom to my private self and lonesome.

I raced to the desk and got about taking the Angry Anus out of its box. I could tell it’d been barely used. The rectal membrane hadn’t been punctured, and there hadn’t been any kind of damage to the game that I could see. Perfect!

I quickly unzipped my jeans, pulled them down to my ankles and pulled down my underwear, too. Then I did what I set out to do: jabber the Angry Anus with my penis with it on my desk. By the point I’d gotten my underwear down, I was about as hung as a bull. I don’t know why I was so terribly excited, but there it was. It wasn’t even like it was a gay thing, either. Most of the movies I’d watched were men on women, grinding away in the back end. I’d masturbated frequently to those films when my parents were away, in the half hour or so window that I had after coming home from school.

I pushed myself right into the game, and started moving myself back and forth inside the thing. It was the most peculiar sensation. It must have been like what fucking with a condom on must have felt like, because it seemed that my penis was surrounded by a thin layer of plastic. I tried to be careful, I didn’t want to bust up Kevin’s game, but I couldn’t help but trying to move around inside violently, find some level of purchase in which I could whack off successfully.

I didn’t know what would happen if I actually came in the game, which is something I started to think about lazily as I humped the Angry Anus. I hoped that the game wouldn’t gobble up a damp cloth dipped in some water to get the semen all out of it. I didn’t give too much thought to it, though. Instead, I closed my eyes, pushed logic aside, and tried to re-enact one of those scenes from those movies that I’d seen on the dish. Tried to be like a porn stud driving himself into some bitch’s little tight ass.

And that’s when I heard it. The buzzing. Before I knew it, the entire Angry Anus started vibrating. And spitting, too. I could suddenly feel something wet on my cock, and I looked down to see black fluid starting to get knotted up in my pubic hair. I panicked and tried to yank my toweringly erect penis out of the game, but for a minute, I thought I was stuck. Nothing was happening. I couldn’t get myself out. I felt like a loser. Which I was, according to the game rules, I guess.

I finally held onto the base of my penis, and did my best to step backwards without falling down and killing myself. That worked. My penis freed itself from the game with an audible ‘pock’ sound. I looked down at it and it was covered in back fluid.

Meanwhile, the Angry Anus continued vibrating on my desk. Spitting out black fluid, diarrheic feces, all over my desk. I hadn’t even thought to put a newspaper down on the desk to protect it from the mess. After a few moments of wildly oscillating, it finally settled down, but not before covering my desk and part of my wall with fake shit. What a mess it made! I’d have to clean it up before the parents came home. But I had more pressing business.

I went into the bathroom with my jeans and underwear around my ankles, and used a washcloth to clean myself up the best I could. Then, after pulling my clothes into their appropriate position around my waist, I went into the kitchen, picked up the phone and called Kevin.

“Hello,” he answered.

“You were right all along,” I said breathlessly into the phone. “That game of yours?”

I paused, unsure of how to break the news. I had to, though. To make sure that Kevin knew nothing was wrong, that he would never suspect a thing.

“It still doesn’t work. It’s definitely broken.”

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