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Rachel Baron

March 2006

Irwin spent the rest of the day in Manhattan, picking up passengers, dropping them off. He spoke to all of them, young and old, rich and not so rich, about where they were going and where they had been. He always got a good tip. Irwin had quite the personality.

At ten at night he arrived home with $276.50, not bad for five hours of work. He’d made a few runs out to Kennedy airport and those were the big-ticket rides. Roberta thought he’d worked twelve hours. He would just tell her it was a slow down in the sweltering city.

Irwin opened the door to their 23rd floor apartment, walked through the foyer and found Roberta sitting with perfect posture at the end of their dingy couch. She was looking straight ahead at the television. The local news was on but it was clear she was not watching.

"Madeline asleep?" He asked quietly.

Roberta stayed silent.

Irwin wrinkled his already crinkled forehead, and cocked his head slightly to the left, bewildered by his wife’s unusual quietness, then walked to the back of the apartment and opened Madeline’s door. The light from the foyer woke her. She was not a deep sleeper.

"Daddy?" Whined his daughter.

"Yeah sweetheart. It’s Daddy. You want some chaw-cuh-lit graham crack-iz? I just stopped to get you some." The truth was he wanted them too.

"Yummy!" Madeline was delighted. She popped out of her bed and ran to her Daddy. They hugged and held hands as they walked to the kitchen.

Roberta was still sitting on the couch, but her posture caved in. She resembled a hunchback, staring down at her feet, fingers massaging her toes.

Madeline and her Daddy sat at the pinewood dinette table that Roberta’s mother gave to them so they would have a proper place to eat family dinners. It had been rarely used for those occasions. As he poured them both milk, he asked about her day at school.

"There is only a little bit more of school and then I go to camp with Tammie and then I go to the first grade -- big girl school -- and Miss Freeman said I read real good today and Matthew Green tried to kiss me when were playing house but I told him he looked like a monkey." Madeline always talked a lot when she saw her Daddy. They bit into their chocolate covered graham crackers and the crumbs fell onto the table. She touched each one with her finger and brought them up to her mouth.

"Mommy, you want a cookie?"

"No thank you." Roberta didn’t look up from her toes.

"Maddie, I think your ma wants to talk to Daddy. Finish your cookie and I’ll take ya back ta bed." Madeline finished her third graham cracker and wiped her tiny mouth with her arm. Together, she and her Daddy walked back to her room where he tucked her back in for the night.

"Sweet dreams sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you to Daddy." Madeline turned on her side and threw the patchwork quilt over her head.

Irwin walked slowly back to the living room, where he awaited his fate.

"Before you say anythin’, I want you ta know that I didn’t..." Started Irwin and his excuses.

"You didn’t?" whispered Roberta calmly. You never! You! You! You! You selfish bastard. You can steal our grocery money, you can take money for Madeline’s clothes that she needs handouts from our neighbors, but to take the health insurance money?" Roberta’s voice level increased with every word until she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Irwin cowered on the love seat, bringing his knees up to his chest.

"After I spent half of it I saw the envelope said ‘Blue Cross’. I swear Roberta, had I seen that I wouldn’t have..." Irwin was cut off.

"You spent half and then noticed? So I assume you have the other hundred on you?" Roberta held out her hand and Irwin looked the other way.

"Well?" Roberta’s eyes welled up with tears.

Irwin was silent. Roberta cried waterfalls of rage.

"I tried ta win it back, the first hundred. I picked da best hawse out there. I tried Bert. Please!"

"It’s too late Irwin! I’ll have to get a job, we’ll struggle, my mother will help us, but it is too damn late!" Roberta was sobbing uncontrollably.

"What are you tryin’ to say Bert?" he asked but he knew exactly what she was saying.

"I want you to pack your bags and get the fuck out of my life." It took Roberta eleven years to say one sentence. Finally it was free from her soul. Irwin sat there, dumbfounded. He never thought she would find the strength. But she was stronger now than he had ever seen her before.

"Bert. Calm down. Remember all da fun we yoosta have? Eh? The egg creams at Eisenberg’s sandwich joint? Irwin tried to conjure up other good memories, but that was the only one he could think of.

"Don’t tell me about something that happened more than ten years ago! What about now? When was the last time we even laughed together?"

Irwin couldn’t remember.

"Irwin, I was DES-PER-ATE." Fat and fucking desperate. What? You didn’t know? That’s why you picked me. I fit in real nice with your gambling. You get to waste the day away knowing I’ll be waiting for you with steak and potatoes. Well no more cause ma’s been payin’ for therapy and now I know I don’t have to take your shit anymore."

"I really loved ya Roberta. I swear it." Irwin wondered who would cook him dinner from now on.

"You don’t have the capacity to love."

"What about Madeline?" Irwin really wondered.

"You’ll come every Sunday and spend the day with her. It’s not like you see her so much anyway."

Irwin knew this was true, and that it was just best to give in like the quitter he was. "When do you want me to leave?"

"Be gone after I drop Maddie off at school tomorrow. Pack up as much as you can and you can pick up the rest when you come on Sunday."

"Where will I go?"

"Irwin, I really don’t care if you go straight to Hell."

Madeline had been hiding by the closet next to the living room, listening to every word with her mouth turned down, clutching her favorite teddy bear. She yawned loudly.

"Maddie, are you there?" Roberta panicked. She wasn’t prepared to explain this to her daughter this now.

Maddie tiptoed into the living room, bear in one hand, thumb in her mouth.

"Did you hear Mommy and Daddy? Daddy is sorry Mad. I am sorry," Irwin said genuinely. Madeline began to cry softly.

"I’ll come and see ya every week. And we’ll go bowlin’. I know you love bowlin’. And I’ll bring ya grahams like I do now. Won’t that be fun?" Irwin thought it would be.

Madeline ran to the couch and tucked her head under her mother’s arm. Irwin walked over to his daughter and knelt down beside her. He stared into Madeline’s blue eyes, looking for the right words. Instead, he saw his very own blue eyes looking back at him.

And for once, Irwin had nothing to say.

Rachel Baron was born in Brooklyn before it was cool to live there, raised by a single mom, and has been considered lethally prolific since middle school.

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